Balancing my Desire for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved many, mostly enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship which continued for four years, but it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I start to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous gay men have open relationships, yet from my observations, they appear demanding, frequently resulting in lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire a partner to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate various forms of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter someone offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting what you want completely … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about the future and engaging in endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American psychotherapist focusing on treating sexual disorders.
