🔗 Share this article

As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that therapy might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You know it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or exposure, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and nervousness.

Even processing later can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This approach will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.